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How do I get my ex-boyfriend back after I’ve had two children with another man?

Alex and I became friends when I was in JSS 3. He was in a SSS and a few years older than me but he liked my company a lot. His age mates or classmates could be gathered and having conversations about their shared experiences, and Alex would find his way to me. I also enjoyed his company and attention so I encouraged him. A little while into our friendship, he expressed amorous interests in me. At that age, I didn’t know anything about love so I didn’t pay any attention to whatever he wanted. I just told him, “I enjoy the friendship we have. Please let’s keep it like that.” He accepted my terms and we stayed friends.

When I got to SHS he came to me again, “Hannah, I understand that the last time I bared my heart to you, you were probably too young to understand what I meant. And I apologize for rushing things. But now I see you are a little older now, and your experience in secondary school would have opened your mind a little. My feelings for you are still alive. Would you consider giving me a chance to show you how much I love you?” And he was right. Secondary school opened up my mind to girlfriend/boyfriend relationships, crushes, and love. However, I couldn’t say yes to his proposal because I wasn’t attracted to him. I was chubby and he was skinny, so I felt we were not a good fit. I suppose I was still very immature at that age. 

After a second rejection, I thought Alex would lose interest in me but he didn’t. He still stayed in my life as a friend and did things to show me how much he cared about me. When I completed secondary school and went to university he was still there for me. I knew exactly how he felt about me but I didn’t feel the same way about him so I often ignored a lot of the things he said. After I completed university he proposed to me again. This time I had gone through life. I understood that sometimes love has to be nurtured. So even though I didn’t love him in an amorous way, I said yes to his proposal. 

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He was very happy that after many years of rejection, he finally got to be with me. He introduced me to the people in his life as his girlfriend and I was okay with it. While he was excited about our relationship, I was trying to coax love out of my heart for him. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t feel anything for him. Not even a flutter or a stir. I decided that it was only fair to him that I ended the relationship. I wanted him to find someone who would love him the way he loved me. But he didn’t want that. He wanted us to get married. He went about talking to everyone who was close to me and pleaded with them to convince me to marry him. Honestly, I wished I could reciprocate his feelings but the mere sight of him started to irritate me. And I didn’t want to do anything to hurt him, so I left the relationship.

In 2018, I met a guy whose presence tickled the butterflies in my tummy to flap their wings and dance to the way he made my heart beat. This guy of mine is an SHS leaver who works as a security assistant in the BNI. His monthly salary is very meagre but because  I loved him, I chose him. We are currently living together and we have two children. No, don’t get ahead of me. This is not my happily ever after. Despite all my efforts to persuade him to perform my marriage rites, he keeps giving me excuses. 

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He tells me, “I want to gather some money first so that we can have a beautiful ceremony.” Several times I have told him; “You don’t need a lot of money to get married where I come from. You can marry me with as little as GHC300.” But he insists on doing things in a grand way. Which I know will never happen because I am the one carrying the financial burden of our home. I am a government employee, with a side business but it’s still difficult for me to provide for our basic needs sometimes. My boyfriend’s salary is less than GHC1000, and against my counsel, he took a loan to buy a plot of land. So by the time all the deductions are made, he brings home GHC200. How much is he going to save out of that amount to organize a big wedding? It’s not like I am ageing backwards too, I am currently thirty-two years.

I have tried and failed to get him to do a side job to increase his income. I bought tricycles in hopes that he would work with them but he refused. We had to hire drivers who barely brought us anything. So now the tricycles are lying waste in our house. He is comfortable spending all my salary and the money from my business on our needs. So he doesn’t see any point in selling anything to add weight to the money he brings home every month. Because of this, I have fallen out of love with him. I am suffering too much and I can’t take it anymore. 

I still keep in touch with Alex, and he is doing very well. He is also a government worker like me with a string of businesses on the side. He is hardworking and financially stable. I haven’t told him about all my troubles but I told him that I am not happy in my relationship. 

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Lately, I have been having dreams about him. The dreams keep repeating and it makes me think about him a lot.  I don’t understand what changed but all of a sudden, I started developing strong feelings for him. After careful thought, I have decided that I want him back.

My problem now is that I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know how to tell him about my feelings. We don’t have deep conversations so I don’t even know if he is single. I’m also scared that he might be single and still not want me back because I have two children. As for my boyfriend, I am going to leave him whether or not I get back together with Alex so he is not my problem. I just need advice on how to express my strong feelings for Alex. Please what do I do?

—Hannah

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