Dear Readers Help: My son’s father wants to attend his tenth birthday party but my husband says no!

My son was five years old when I met George, a sweet gentleman who made it his agenda to marry me right from the start. I didn’t believe him because many had come with the “I will marry you” agenda and changed after a few months. They always used one excuse, “You and I would be a perfect couple but my family won’t accept a woman who has a child.”

It was breaking me apart. It made me cautious. It made me feel undeserving of love and most importantly, made me put all men in one bracket, “They all want sex and nothing more.”

George was different. He told me he loved the way I took good care of my son. He told me he would marry me because he would love his kids to have a mother like me. I was uptight at first but he didn’t care. The only thing he did was give me care and love until I had no other option than to open up to him.

A year later, I knew everyone in his family. They all knew I had a child but it didn’t bother them. When I visited his parents the second time, I went with Joshua, my son and they played with him as if he was their own. It made my heart gelled with gratefulness. That I could find a family like that. A family who didn’t make excuses because of my past.

We got married when we were two years together. When we moved in together, it was my husband who held the hand of Joshua and looked for a school for him. He sent him to school in the morning and brought him back when he closed from school. Joshua’s father wasn’t in the picture but he sent money for his fees and his general upkeep. When he fell sick and I told him, he sent money.

We had very little interaction and whenever we talked, I was open about it to George; “Joshua’s father sent this.” “Joshua’s father told me to do that,” “Joshua’s father…” and on and on and on. It wasn’t frequent. Once in a blue moon, he came up because that was all we did, talked once in a blue moon.

Joshua is ten. I want to celebrate his birthday for him so I discussed it with my husband. He agreed so we set plans in motion. We talked to vendors and paid for what ought to be paid for. We planned the part we would do in his school and the part we would do in church and the part where we come home to celebrate with the kids around. Everything was between us until I decided to let Joshua’s father in on the fact that the boy was celebrating his tenth birthday.

He said, “I would like to come around. I haven’t seen him in ages. This will be a good time to introduce myself to him and try building it from there.”

I didn’t think it was a bad idea until I told George about it. He flatly denied the involvement of Joshua’s dad. “No, he can’t come around. He can choose any other time apart from the birthday event.”

My heart started racing faster. I felt I had let my husband down. It’s always about what my husband wants so I called Joshua’s father and told him my husband doesn’t want to see him around. Come and see a display of ego, “Who is he to prevent me from seeing my son?” I responded, “He’s not preventing you. He said not on his birthday.” He shouted, “Who is he to determine when I should see my son?”

“You can see him after the party, how about that?”

“No, I want to be there so he knows I was there.”

“Yes, you can be there but not at the birthday party.”

“What are you trying to tell me? That I can’t see my son when I want to?”

A raging firestorm usually starts as a flicker but this didn’t start as one. It started burning right at birth. My husband has made his position clear and I don’t think it’s appropriate to go to and fro with him. It’s his home. He determines who comes in but my son’s father doesn’t understand it this way. The good thing is, Joshua’s father doesn’t know where we live so he can’t show up uninvited but the issue here is this, he may stop paying what he pays for the child if this issue drags on.

He has said it. He even said he would report me to social welfare for trying to sell his son to another man. I defended myself; “It’s been over seven years since you bothered to see him so why now and no other time?”

I wish I could call off the birthday party to avoid this sticky situation. My husband doesn’t know what I’m going through. To him, he had given his words and must be obeyed but it’s his words that’s causing me sleepless nights. I want to know how best to handle this so I can keep the peace in my marriage and also the sanity between me and my son’s father. I’m five months pregnant and all this wahala isn’t good for my health.

—Nora